The Expendables: C-

I definitely did not walk into this screening expecting much. This movie is loaded with a bunch of actors who are better at pretend fighting than pretending to act. So, consider my pre-screening feelings skeptical. However, my cautious perception of the movie was not mirrored by the movie-going American public. The Expendables ended up pulling a decent take with $34.8 million in its first weekend, $16.5 million the second, and finishing atop the box office both weekends

The true crime here is that so many viewers skipped the best movie to hit theaters the past two weeks, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The Edgar Wright concoction of American culture has been a box office dud, finishing 5th its opening week ($10.6 million) and 10th its second week ($5 million). I am truly baffled at how Scott Pilgrim vs. The World could be completely missed by so many with such a positive reception from critics and buzz from those who have seen it. But some internet folk point to the marketing campaign used by Universal as the true reason The Expendables has flourished and Pilgrim has floundered. In a last ditch effort, I will reiterate how great Pilgrim is. Anyone reading this should go and support this unique film, it is actually worth the price of admission.

Speaking of not worth a lofty admission price, The Expendables! My driving motivation to see the Stallone creation was to understand why it took the weekend box office crown two weeks in a row. The answer resides in the simplicity of the concept (guys, guns, babes, MURDER!), the “big” names attached to it, and the wonderfully violent fight scenes. Sad thing is, Scott Pilgrim is a much better product and features its own uncommon blend of exciting fight scenes.

For me, The Expendables was worth seeing simply to catch some of the better choreographed action I have seen this year. Even with the bombardment of action, the viewer is unfortunately forced to sit and watch the actors try to carry out the mostly mindless plot that is almost devoid of any real meaning. The Expendables pretends to be a complex story, but with a weakly written screenplay it falls flat on its face. It is not only very basic in nature, but more importantly it isn’t written well enough to even work as simple story. The ending standoff between “good and evil” is moronic to say the least. I was in disbelief when I realized the reason for these soldiers going on their final mission in the movie.

The movie almost seems abstract for how little it focuses on itself. The vague construction of the characters, their relationships, and the story itself leaves the viewer sitting and waiting for more action to kick in so the blandness in between adrenaline rushes doesn’t lull them to sleep. Don’t misinterpret vagueness for absence of these pieces in the project, but they are so poorly defined I had no interest in the parts bridging the action sequences. Yeah, I know its a “mindless” action movie, but it still needs a strong reason for the story to motivate the audience to follow along.

Another thing bothering me is the inclusion of names like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis in the film’s previews like they would play a part in this movie. But in reality, both were included like cameo actors in a seemingly forced scene where Stallone has a secret church meeting with the two. The dialog did have some comical jabs at Arnold’s new career as a politician, but nothing to make the scene worth including or featuring “The Governor” in the tag line. I was mildly surprised to see how terrible an actor Arnold has become in his absence. He was pretty bad before his new career with his typical flat, difficult to decipher delivery, but in The Expendables he was next to atrocious. The biggest casting disappointment comes from the talented Mickey Rourke playing such a small role as Stallone’s tattoo artist.

While I do believe Stallone has talent as a director, his credit as a writer and actor is scraping the bottom of the bowl. Especially his laughable acting attempts in The Expendables as he tries to show some emotion with his stale, stiff face. His top lip looks permanently controlled by two fish hooks as he struggles to spit out words. He could definitely survive as a supporting character, but he cannot carry a film. It is hard to rally around an actor who seems like an emotionless idiot outside of the action scenes.

The only worthwhile character was Jason Statham’s role of Lee Christmas. The role seemed to hold the story like fresh Elmers Glue (not well), but his character wasn’t given the chance to bind the narrative together. What the film really needed was Statham’s character to narrate the story to help the audience better understand him, his environment, his fellow characters, and most importantly, give the film so needed emotional value. A perfect example of a stone-faced character showing emotional range with narration is one of the best shows on television, Dexter.

Speaking of Dexter, the actor who plays Angel, David Zayas, had a role in this movie as General Garza. He most likely will not get consideration for other big movie roles because he was terrible as this hardened General torn between allegiance to his country and love for his family. He was way too soft for this role and I was thoroughly disappointed with his delivery of this character.

The rest of the supporting cast like Jet Li, Terry Crews, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, and Randy Couture all seem like shadows in this project. Austin did a fair job as the lead henchman and had a decent amount of screen time. The only reason I can imagine why Jet Li took this role is because he isn’t getting any other film offers. He just seemed to pop in every four scenes to be a part of the team and sometimes muddle his sketchy English.

Overall, The Expendables possesses awesome action that made me fret with excitement, but the rest of the movie was mostly garbage. The supporting cast all take a backseat to the un-dynamic duo of Stallone and Statham, which is surprising considering the previews proclaiming love to all the actors involved. Stallone should be prevented from writing, directing, and starring in his own movies from now on. It probably is the only way he will ever be cast in a movie again though, only by writing himself as the male lead. The Expendables contained terrible acting, sub-par writing, and a laughable story-line. It truly is a shame this movie was the box office king two weeks in a row.

What Should You Do? Don’t waste time unless you are an action junkie looking for thrill for a matinee price. But with the quality movies in the theaters right now (Inception, The Other Guys, and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World), you will be less disappointed with one of those choices.

● Frickin’ A Bryce! Whyyyyyy????!!!! Okay, so I didn’t DESPISE the first Twilight movie. I thought it was worth watching once, but that’s it. However, this whole phenomenon is getting ridiculous. In my first video blog, re-capping the events that occurred at San Diego Comic-Con last week, I discussed how the presence of the Twilight panel (and the thousands of screaming 12 year-olds that followed) DO NOT have a rightful place at this event because it completely undermines its legitimacy. It turned an event that exhibits quality comic-books, films and TV shows, into a Jonas Brothers concert, filled with metal-mouthed tween girls, shrieking at the sight at the extremely average, Robert Pattinson.

Now that we’re off the main page, I feel the urge to scream too….FUCK Twilight!!! That whole book series and now ensuing film series is consensually mocked among Comic-Con regulars, because of the complete lack of substance to the entire franchise. It’s like Kevin Federline being nominated for a Grammy. With that out of my system, I have the unfortunate task of  reporting that the beautiful and talented Bryce Dallas Howard (Lady in the Water, Terminator Salvation) has just hopped aboard the third film, Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Entertainment Weekly has the scoop that Ms. Howard will be taking over the role of Victoria, previously played by Rachelle Lefevre in the first two films. Howard is at the perfect prime acting age of 28 and has unlimited beauty and talent. The fact that she is settling for a role that could easily have been filled by a no-name (cough Raclelle Lefevre) is, to me, unsettling. She is Ron Howard’s daughter for Christ sakes! She could easily find work in a quality thriller or period piece, continuing to legitimize her acting portfolio, but the movie gods say, “nay.” (Huge disappointing sigh).

● Up next we have something a little more encouraging. I posted footage of Sly Stallone’s upcoming action-extravaganza, The Expendables, way back in April. For those who don’t know, The Expendables has the greatest action cast ever assembled. The cast is as follows: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, JET LI, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Terry Crews, with Charisma Carpenter and Brittany Murphy providing the limited estrogen.

We now have our first still image of Rourke and Stallone in action, where Rourke’s character “Tool” is giving Sly’s character “Barney Ross” a tattoo. Check out the image below thanks to Empire.

The film’s premise is very simple: a team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. Sounds good to me. The Expendables is currently in post-production and will be coming out next April.

● Lastly, it looks as though Bardem is out and Brolin is in. Also back in April, I posted news that director Oliver Stone was putting the finishing touches on a script for a sequel to Wall Street; then tentatively titled Wall Street 2, now has been given the official title of Money Never Sleeps. Michael Douglas is set to reprise his role as corporate kingpin Gordon Gekko. Shia LaBeouf is set to play a young trader in the sequel, which is set 20 years after the first installment, which came out in 1987.

Academy Award winner Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men) was originally set to play the film’s main villain, but now it seems like he’s ditching the role and a No Country co-star will be taking his place. It was reported yesterday via SlashFilm via NikkiFinke that the white-hot Josh Brolin is indeed in “serious talks” to play a conniving hedge fund manager. I honestly would have been absolutely fine with either actor, so this is not an upgrade nor a downgrade in my opinion. Money Never Sleeps is currently in pre-production and will open next year.

What Do You Think? Discuss.

The greatest action movie ever? One could draw that conclusion when looking at the unbelievably stacked cast of Sylvester Stallone’s upcoming action extravaganza, The Expendables. The film stars…(deep breath)…Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, JET LI, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Terry Crews, with Charisma Carpenter and Brittany Murphy providing the limited estrogen. Whoooo…that’s like all the action icons over the last 25 years. If only they got Jean Claude, Segal and Snipes to get in. Too soon? Plus the inclusion of  UFC and WWE icons is such a great idea.

So the film is in production as I write this and is set to be released into theaters everywhere, a year from now next April. On the movie’s “official blog;” though it looks not legit, has posted the first behind-the-scenes footage of Stallone in all his 62 year-old ripped glory. Mic check 1, 2. (click the bottom right arrows for full screen).

So I mean, this can’t be anything but a golden epic. It’s going back to the basic roots of straight up action films from the late 80s/early 90s. It has a simple premise: a team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator. I’m sold! I honestly just want to see all of these guys interact with eachother on screen. So many testosterone/steroid-induced egos going at it is going to be so entertaining. It must have been a nightmare trying to coordinate everyone’s schedules. Stay tuned for Expendable updates.

What Do You Think? Discuss.