GRADE: C

While I know G.I Joe came out weeks ago, I actually went and saw (500) Days of Summer for a second time instead of seeing this movie once. I think I made the correct choice seeing the previous mentioned movie was was amazing and G.I. Joe is a huge mess of CGI, bad acting, and a movie that leaves Joe lovers pondering of what could have been.

G.I. Joe is about an elite tactical unit that is so discreet even the best Army personnel don’t know about it. As Dennis Quaid states in this film, “When everything else fails, we don’t.” The story revolves around two of the Army’s finest; Duke (Channing Tatum) and his buddy Ripcord (Marlon Wayans). The two are set to deliver a special package containing a new and deadly warhead containing Nano-mites. Nano-mites can be used for the complete destruction of entire cities or even injected into humans to control them. As Duke and Ripcord are delivering the Nano-mite warheads, their team is ambushed by the evil Baroness, or as Duke used to know her, Ana.

The story evolves(?) as Duke and Ripcord join the Joes and their strict training regiment. This training is when viewers get a glimpse of how ridiculous this film really is. Not solely because Brendan Frasier appears for 4 minutes, but also because of the jousting and underwater flying practice. The Joes try to stop the manufacturer of the Nano-mites and his evil buddies from harnessing this power onto the public. Blah blah, lots of blue screen action and CGI, blah blah, big standoff against evil… roll credits.

There is no point trying to elaborate this entire plot as it was not a great one. G.I. Joe had a lot of potential to be a decent or good film if it was executed a lot better.

First, let me start with what I like about G.I. Joe; the acting was great. Whoops, that was a poor attempt at a joke.

First correction of this project: DON’T HIRE CHANNING TATUM. He is by far, and I mean by far, the worst actor in Hollywood today. I cannot imagine anyone with any cinematic experience watching him act behind the camera saying, “cut and print.” Unless the director took the 1,001 take because he was sick of waiting for Channing to give him an actual plausible imitation of acting, I will have to make fun of director Stephen Sommers as well. Tatum is so flat and uncharismatic in all his scenes you just have to sit and laugh at how dumb he looks while trying to act.

The acting of the whole cast was poor quality making this movie that much worse. I will however give credit where credit is due. Marlon Wayans actually surprised me and was head and shoulders the best actor in this film. Well, him and the completely silent character Snake Eyes. You must know the overall bar for pretending in front of a camera must be pretty low if Marlon Wayans is at the top of the heap.

Even Dennis Quaid seemed to stoop down to Tatum’s level with plenty of poorly executed dialogue of his own. I’ve never been a huge Quaid fan, but this was surely his worst product yet.

I also want to comment on the bad looking CGI that was weaved throughout much of this picture. At times it was Ok, and others it was just terrible. The CG not only looked bad, but the filmmakers overuse of it makes some of the scenes impossible to watch. The sheer volume of CG action throughout this project mixed in with the fact that it looked so bad, coupled with Channing Tatum attempting to act in them… was just more than a person could handle.

Even though the CG looked bad, I enjoyed watching the way the action unfolded. The weaponry in G.I. Joe was one-of-a-kind and it was a real treat to watch the weapons used in so many different killing strokes. The action was slowed down at various moments so viewers could truly witness explosions, weapons discharging, and lots of other sweet action that deserves a longer look.

I especially liked the ‘accelerator suits’ that Duke and Ripcord wear to track down the warheads. Watching these seemingly indestructible and powerful suits tearing through the streets of France on a chase was another intense scene that the filmmakers got MOSTLY right.

Some of this scene’s thunder was stolen by one of the Joe’s team members named Scarlett also chasing the warheads, but on a crotch rocket, through insane traffic, causing it to be the most unbelievable piece of crap ever. The ‘accelerator suits’ make sense in the chase because they have crazy Iron Man-like technology; but a girl with nothing but a helmet and a bike making it through all these obstructions is just moronic. Scarlett on the bike was also some of the worst looking CGI in the film…note to editor: Cut that garbage out!

My favorite part of this entire film was probably the same as most who sat through a showing of this movie: Snake Eyes vs. Storm Shadow. Two bad ass ninjas who have been fighting against each other since they were children equals one gigantic and awesome showdown at the end of this movie. The sword fighting between these two was such a marvel to watch I could not peel my eyes off the screen the entire duration of the fight. Storm Shadow was played by Ray Park, or as many of you may know him…Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I.

G.I. Joe also gives these two characters some depth as the film flashes back in time when Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were just kids, and have their first encounter. The film used this technique with it’s other characters too which enhances the telling of these characters lives. This is pretty much the only credit I can give to the screenwriters.

Another thing this film boasts is a lot of pretty females in costumes that I can only guess by the way they look are horribly uncomfortable. Why do costume designers always choose these ugly leather suits for action heroes?? My guess is the costume designer from the X-Men movies was available and he threw together what was left over from those projects hoping we wouldn’t notice.

Overall, G.I. Joe is entertaining sometimes and at others is just dreadful. The acting is atrocious from most of the cast and the CGI was embarassing for a movie released in 2009 with a $175 million dollar budget. The story was intriguing and the characters, though portrayed poorly by most of the actors, were enough to keep this story afloat until the end. I did enjoy seeing this film to take in the decent action and scrutinize the failed attempt to make a overall good movie.

What Should You Do? Worth theater money? Definitely not more than a $5 showing. Worth seeing once, I would say most definitely.

Looks like I was finally right with my G.I. Joe box-office prediction, or at least close. Last week I predicted that Joe & Co. would top the box-office this weekend with $62 million. I was only off by $6 million as Joe brought in an impressive $56.2 million from Friday to Sunday. The rest of my predictions were way, off, but I digress. So despite mostly negative reviews and just general negative perceptions prior to release, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra showed, like Transformers 2, that mindless action can find a significant audience during the summer months. So much so, that Paramount has already announced plans to very soon, initiate development on G.I. Joe 2: Reign of Cobra?. Classic.

The Movie Mash hasn’t posted a review for Joe yet because I’m leaving that responsibility to our very own Mr. Travis Andries, as he is a G.I. Joe connoisseur. He’s taking his time to give the best, most in-depth and analytical analysis possible because of his life-long passion for Joe. Just quickly from me, I thought it was entertaining, had some cool action sequences, but ultimately was too cheesy and had too much action to make it a coherent film. Also, Channing Tatum is the worst actor on the planet. So…(B-).  Stay tuned for that full review to be up in the next couple days. What’s interesting is that Joe was really the only movie that had much success this weekend, as the #2 spot went to Julie & Julia starring Merl Streep, which took in only $20 million; not a shabby amount for a film such as that, but a significant drop off from the #1 to #2 spot. The rest of the top five were in single digits.

This weekend should prove to be interesting as arguably the most-anticipated (at least for me), yet most unknown movie of the summer is about to hit theaters, District 9. I’ve been discussing the awesomeness of this film for a while now, but regardless of the bombardment of TV ads, it’s still a question mark because of the unknown actors and director involved. Reviews should do nothing but help the film as it is currently sitting at a perfect 100% on Rotten Tomatoes right now, a number that is of course subject to change. The film is apparently so good, that it’s currently the cover of Entertainment Weekly with the title, “Why District 9 Will Blow Your Mind.”  So while I am ecstatic and everyone in the biz who has seen it, loves it, can a completely original sci-fi movie that has no major stars and a rookie director make a splash at the box-office? Hellz yeah I say! G.I. Joe will have a major drop-off of 50% or more because of bad word-of-mouth, Julie & Julia won’t do anything more than another $12-15 million. And the only other same-day competition that it has is The Time Traveler’s Wife, which actually could prove as a worthy advisory; pitting the fanboys vs. date night. I still think that District 9 will come out on top and take in $40 million over three days. The Time Traveler’s Wife will come in second and take in $32 million. And G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra will round out the top three and take in $26 million over its second weekend. Challenge?

Here’s a breakdown of the rest of the Top 5 at the Box-Office this weekend.

CHAMP: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra $56.2 million
2) Julie & Julia $20.1 million
3) G-Force $9.8 million
4) Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince $8.8 million
5) Funny People $7.8 million

Source: Box-Office Mojo

What Do You Think? Discuss.

In Episode 1 of Nerds of the Round Table, Ryan, Travis and I discussed our favorite films of the summer thus far, our biggest disappointments and a breakdown of what’s currently going on in the superhero genre. In Episode 2, we’re going to look at the month of August by discussing the three biggest films of the month: G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, District 9 and Inglorious Basterds. As always, we’ll provide expert insight and analysis of what you can expect from this later stage of summer movies.

I apologize for the old techno song at the beginning and end, but I watched The Bourne Identity and Collateral back-to-back yesterday, and this song was in both films and I can’t get it out of my head. Anyway, check out Episode 2 of Nerds of the Round Table, presented by TheMovieMash.com.

(p.s. I had some editing trouble with the audio, so the beginning might be kinda loud. Just an FYI. Enjoy!)

Episode 2, Part 1

Episode 2, Part 2

Episode 2, Part 3

What Do You Think? Discuss.

Sorry for the hiatus folks, but after Comic-Con I think studios needed a week or so to decompress, thus resulting in the VERY slow past five days of movie news. Anyway, I’m back with this week’s edition of Box-Office Benjamin$ and Judd Apatow’s Funny People is on top, taking in a respectable $22.7 million during it’s opening weekend. This could be seen as somewhat of a disappointment for a labeled “R-rated blockbuster comedy” with such name-brand star-power, while The Hangover makes over twice as much on its opening weekend. Word must have spread about the heightened level of emotional drama, compared to Apatow’s previous two films, which maybe some people didn’t like or want to see.  But that is why I think this movie is so great and is FAR superior as a motion picture than The Hangover. Check out my review of Funny People HERE.

It’s not all over for Funny People though, as Apatow’s flicks tend to take some time to get rolling. The 40-Year-Old Virgin only made just over $21 million on its opening weekend and then went on to gross over $100 million. Knocked Up only made $30 million its opening weekend and then went on to rake in an impressive $150 million domestically. Funny people is in the middle of the pack and can hopefully get some repeat viewings from movie-goers who appreciate Apatow’s creative ambition to make a comedy with potty humor, as well as real emotional substance.

I wasn’t able to talk about this last week, but boy WTF happened to Harry Potter? It got smoked last week by G-Force. Wow! Seems outrageous, right? Maybe not. Upon further examination, HP6 seems to be following the pattern of all the previous Potter flicks. HP6 currently stands at $255 million domestically and the only film to gross more than $300 million is HP1 with $317 million  back in 2001. While this seems to follow suit in regards to box-office, I have to ask, what’s the deal Potter fans? Doesn’t the HP fan-base scour worldwide and is comprised of hundreds of millions of people? Why can’t all these movies at least break $300 million each? Do you not like the films? Would you rather Warner Bros. not make them at all? What’s the deal nerds?!?!?!?!?!?

This weekend should be interesting. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra finally hits theaters and this is going to either go one way or the other. It’s either going to be really surprising and make like $70 million, or it’s going to crash and burn immediately and make like $21 million. Reviews thus far have actually been extremely positive, contrary to pre-conceived notions of sub-par/mediocrity. I’m gonna be a glass half-full guy and go with a surprisingly successful debut. Remember Fast & Furious surprised everyone a few months ago by taking in over $75 million its opening weekend, and at least G.I. Joe is a fresh franchise. So I think its got a good chance.

G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra is going to be #1 this weekend, taking in a surprising $62 million. Whoooaaaaa!!! I know right? There’s virtually no other competition. But you know what always fairs well? Horror. Coming in second will be the island horror/thriller A Perfect Getaway (with Mila Jovovich and Steve Zahn), taking in $23 million. Funny People is going to make a run at #3 and take it with a solid $17 million second weekend. Meryl Streep’s Julie & Julia will flop and take in barely over $14 million. HP6 will round out the top 5 with $12 million. Challenge?

Here’s a breakdown of the rest of the Top 5 At The Box-Office from this past weekend.

CHAMP: Funny People $22.7 million
2) HP6 $17.9 million
3) G-Force $17.5 million
4) The Ugly Truth $13.2 million
5) Aliens in the Attic $8 million

What Do You Think? Discuss.

● Another epic comedy ensemble is being formed, this time for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost’s Paul. The writing-team blokes from the UK, responsible for bringing us Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, wrote the script for Paul. It’s about two British nerds who go to Comic-Con in America and during their road trip they stop off at Area 51 due to their Alien affinity/nerdery. There, they meet an alien named Paul who asks them to help him escape from the U.S Government. Sounds pretty hysterical. Variety reported yesterday that Jason Batemen, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig and Seth Rogen have all signed on to comprise the rest of the cast. Rogen is apparently not in the actual movie, but rather the voice-over for the main alien/title character, Paul. What makes this movie absolutely pure gold is the fact that it’s being directed by Greg Mottola, director of Superbad and Adventureland. Thanks to SlashFilm for the image. Paul will comence filming next month with TBD release date in 2010.

● Will Ferrell is currently doing the usual media rounds while promoting his upcoming film Land of the Lost. According to MovieHole.net, Ferrell told a radio station that “everyone is meeting next week” to discuss an Anchorman sequel. Everyone being Ferrell, director/comedy partner Adam McKay, Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, etc. He jokingly added that he needed to see if Carrell and Rudd were willing to take a pay-cut, because he certainly is not. Could this be classic Ferrell joking around or could we see Ron Burgundy back on the big screen soon? Would you even want to? What I mean is, similar to the Zoolander 2 report, Anchorman is one of the funniest movies of our generation, but does it need a sequel? And if it does… can the sequel be as good or better?

● John Lithgow is joining the cast of DEXTER, one of my favorite shows. Entertainment Weekly has the scoop that the veteran actor is joining the season 4 cast as Walter Simmons, an unassuming suburbanite who has been living a dual life as one of America’s most prolific and deadliest serial killers. This is friggin awesome news! Lithgow is such a great actor and should play a very good intense contrast to Michael C. Hall’s serial killer with a conscience, Dexter. Season 4 premieres in September. If you don’t watch DEXTER, go rent, buy or download all the episodes now and watch them NOW!! You will be come addicted and you will thank me.

● Empire Online revealed the latest poster for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, which is actually pretty decent. Very eye-catching. Even though I’m extremely skeptical about this film, which is been well documented on The Movie Mash, I’m still trying to give it a chance. I’m not that well-versed in G.I. Joe lore though….Can someone help clarify who on top is JGL as Cobra Commander?…Far right? Second to right? Or not there? Lemme know, check out the poster below.

What Do You Think? Discuss.

I posted an article a few weeks ago discussing the poor response G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra received at ShoWest in Las Vegas after Paramount premiered an extended sneak peek to movie journalists and bloggers. That, on top of the “peppy” action-vibe conveyed in the G.I. Joe Superbowl TV spot, myself and many others were speculating on the potential and quality of this film. I stated that, while I was excited for it, (especially because JGL is Cobra) you really can’t deny that a blockbuster action film of this level and budget has some pretty poor and cheesy CGI effects. I will say that this new trailer is more encouraging. It seems that since the ShoWest debut of the “peppy vibe,” they really went for a  more serious and bad-ass tone in this newest trailer, which I like much better. Mic check 1, 2 the first official trailer of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, thanks to FirstShowing.

What Do You Think? Discuss.

Paramount revealed about 5 minutes of exclusive footage of their upcoming summer blockbuster G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra yesterday at ShoWest in Las Vegas. For those who don’t know, ShoWest is an annual film industry exhibition where studios, producers & directors try to impress movie journalists and bloggers, so that they get their readership jacked up with anticipation for the future films.

Paramount showed a screening of The Soloist with Robert Downey Jr. & Jamie Foxx, but right beforehand, they gave a surprise sneak peek of some G.I. Joe action to the audience of industry people.

Alex Billington over at FirstShowing.net, is a film journalist and blogger, whose opinion I respect and take very seriously. He was one of the lucky few who got a glimpse of this exclusive sneak peek, and he claims that the consensus was either “two-thumbs down”, or “meh….”  This is  bad news for Paramount. All they need is for fanboys to start bashing the film, calling it cheesy 5 months before it’s even released. And even if this is an unjustified, knee-jerk reaction, the film’s director Stephen Sommers has a bad track-record of creating corny, bad-effects-filled action yawners; aka Van Helsing and The Mummy 2 & 3.

Now I don’t want to jump to conclusions, so let’s compare the feedback we’ve received from ShoWest attendees, to the G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra TV spot that ran during the Superbowl:

Now those black suits apparently have super-human/Ironmanish abilities, which is cool. But did you see that green chemical stuff eating up the Eiffel Tower? Pretty horrible effects for a film’s debut Superbowl spot and for today’s blockbuster standards. Now, I still have hope and it is three words; Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or JGL as I affectionately call him, is a rising young star and is one of the best actors of his generation. He used to be the quirky, shaggy-haired alien on 3rd Rock from the Sun, but has since blossomed into spectacular performer. Need proof? See: Brick, The Lookout or Mysterious Skin. He’s usually cast in small-budget, indie flicks, but this August, he’ll be playing the legendary villain, Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe.

Why would they cast a 28 year-old who looks like a teenager to play a sinister villain like Cobra Commander you might ask? Well I’m pretty sure that’s the same question that EVERYONE asked when Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, and look how that turned out. (p.s. JGL and Heath look eerily identical).  So here we are. Is G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra going to suck or be bad-ass? I don’t know and neither does anyone else until we see the flick. Either way, I’m ecstatic to see how JGL is going to play this character. And to see the smokin’ hot Sienna Miller play the sexy Baroness (poster at top).

STAY TUNED for our G.I. Joe expert Polly’s take on the upcoming film! COMING SOON….

What Do You Think? Discuss.