Matt’s Review: ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides’ is Just Short of Awful

GRADE: D+

First off, if you do see this film, do not see it in 3D. “Pirates” in the third dimension is another ploy to steal more money from you. The 3D added nothing to this film whatsoever. This project was surprisingly shot in 3D on RED cameras, but the final product resembled more of a hasty money gouging process than an immersive environment. The people look like polished cutouts — just a way to get you to spend an extra 3 bucks at the theater. The unmentionable 3D factors into my distaste for this film.

The critic in the film community who called this “pirates” the best yet, is the worst film critic in the world. Not one of the sequels in this series has held a candle to the original. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is better than the atrocious third chapter, but that isn’t saying much. This fourth film is more of the same from the three previous films, but is that really a good thing? I say no, but I will leave that for you to decide once you sit down and watch Sparrow on the high seas yet again.

I will truthfully admit I went into the screening with some bias. I thought to myself on the road to the theater how much I would probably dislike this movie. The previews for Pirates 4 impressed upon me another forced sequel — as did the news of a fifth script already being in the works.  I hated the third installment in this series, At Worlds End, with a passion. It was a CGI piece of garbage. After seeing that film, I had a hard time imagining another chapter in this series I would want to watch. Sure Johnny Depp is great, but even Jack Sparrow can wear thin when the story surrounding him is less than good. It is even harder to watch when his counter-part cannot match him as was the case with Penelope Cruz trying desperately to portray a pirate in Stranger Tides.

I love Depp in the pirate hat as Captain Jack Sparrow. But the joy of watching a classic role like Sparrow feels worn and less appealing when it’s playing out from a poorly written script and features eerily similar antics/shenanigans from the previous films. Most disappointing in the pages of the script was the storytelling of events past being composed of exposition through the spoken word. Many of these events are detailed simply by the characters blandly talking of the past, one of the most boring ways to tell a story minus top shelf actors delivering compelling tales in perfectly crafted moments with heartfelt emotion. Simply put, it was boring listening to Depp and Cruz retelling their history trying to fill the audience in on their “deep” relationship.

Penelope Cruz and Johnny Depp have a strong connection that matured on screen in one of the best films ever made, Blow. Unfortunately, Cruz doesn’t play a pirate very well at all — her “dark character” was only manufactured by exposition and the other characters being frightened of her. While that is good, I never felt that Cruz herself did a good job resembling the badass female pirate that grungy male pirates respected. Kiera Knightley started out as the prissy Ms. Elizabeth Swan, but in the end morphed into a edgier hard-nosed version of herself to survive in this male dominated world. Cruz does not have this swagger, and her presence did not make this film any better. Compared to Knightley, Cruz is fairly big step down.

Screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio have collaborated to write each pirates film before this one, and many other films such as Deja Vu (eh), Small Soldiers (not a great film), and The Legend of Zorro. So it is easy to see they can create magic like they did in The Curse of the Black Pearl, and they can also create blockbuster fodder like they did in At World’s End. This installment blends a few good moments with a lot of bad ones. The movie takes forever to pick up, has poorly constructed antagonists, and left me bored the first hour and a half.

From a production standpoint, this film was very well executed — the cinematography, the score (Hans Zimmer) the settings (the scenes felt authentic), the costumes, the special effects, the acting (minus Cruz), and the action sequences were all top notch. But just because this movie is top tier in these areas, it doesn’t revive this boring seemingly soul-less story. The budget for the film is estimated at $200 million, so why wouldn’t this picture be polished around the edges? It’s a Summer blockbuster. Director Rob Marshall (Chicago) has a brilliant vision for landscapes, adventure, and action. But this still doesn’t help the lackluster story.

Overall, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is just a hodge podge of new and old characters and plot lines that feel thrown together. All the characters have the same goal — get to the fountain of youth — but I didn’t really care about any of them or their successes. The characters have reasons to get there, but it isn’t easily apparent what steps need to be taken to get there and why each desires extended life. Especially this being a “family” movie, you would think the filmmakers would make it more clear-cut.

Even with my bias, this film still had a chance to succeed in my book — I’d secretly hoped for the magic of Gore Verbinski’s first chapter. The first three quarters of On Stranger Tides left me utterly dissatisfied. Up to that point I thought the film was going to fail. The last act brought some redemption finishing with a bang so to speak –nothing epic, just enough to steer the film away from total disaster.

What Should You Do? If you liked At World’s End, go see this film, but not in 3D. If you feel this sequel is overkill, stay away. Even Depp fans could be bored.